...mostly Nellie...

So yeah...my friend told me I should get 3 tiny dots tattooed on me...mi vida loca...she's retarded, but I love her anyway...

She (my friend) is right though...things have been CRAZY...most of it dealing with his ex...I can't even stress to you how psycho she (the ex) is...& stupid too...she got arrested last week...yes...ARRESTED...as in handcuffed & taken to jail...where she spent the night, cause no one would bail her out...& then she had to catch the bus home...probably a good 40 or so miles away...(mind you, we live on an island...40 miles is far away)...

She says she got a job at a bar...except she can't work there because she can't get a liquor license...& where she's claiming to be working is not the type of establishment that would hire someone who could not obtain a liquor license...so my friends & I speculate that she is shaking her ass & taking her clothes off for money...which she's done before & wouldn't surprise me that she'd go back to it...& there's nothing wrong with it...unless you're ashamed...which she obviously is...so it's either she's doing that...or something illegal...who knows?

Drama seems to follow her where ever she goes...I need to make a nickname for her...hmmmm...what shall it be? (think, think, think)...I dunno...I'll get back to this...

Anyhow...yeah...& there's a whole lotta other drama involved with her...can't even tell you...however...even though the hurricane...(hey! nickname!)...has been the source of much stress, the boyfriend & I have been fucken fantastic...we're due to leave for our trip to California in a week & 2 days...& I can't even tell you how excited I am...although we're visiting friends, it's just us...no kids...WOW...

We've also been spending a lot of time together, which is SO nice...going to the movies, dinner, lunch, beach, picnic...whatever we can!

Work...hah! Darth has been on a rampage lately...stomping, sighing...crying, dying...you name the negative action or emotion, she's done it or had it...it's annoying, yet funny...especially when I threw a bunch of stuff on her desk while she was out...I could tell when she came back cause I could hear her slamming it all over the place & muttering under her breath...needless to say, I was QUITE amused!

Other than that...work is busy...especially since they're worried about me being gone...oh well...I'll do what I can in the time I have, & if I don't get to it before I leave, someone else will have to do it or it'll get done when I get back...

As always, I'm sure there's been more that's been going on, but that's about all my worn out brain can recall at the moment...time to finish what I'm doing...

So yes, he & I had hit a rough patch...I had a moment of temporary insanity...I admit it...I about lost my damn mind...which is weird for me because I'm really not that kind of person...

I just can't even express how my "fuck it" attitude has changed...I mean, I still have it...but not when it comes to him...which is different...I'm normally the type of person to say "fuck it" & move on...but with him, even though I get frustrated as hell, the farthest I get, is to the fence...I climb up & sit on it...which is an uncomfortable place to be...sitting there with a fence up your ass...

Back to my insanity...I lost it...I got everything off my chest, told him how I've been feeling, how he's been making me feel, the frustrations I have with his damn ex-wife...EVERYTHING...I'd been telling him & telling him & telling him, but I don't where the fault lies...is it my fault for not stressing the gravity of the situation?...or is it his, for dismissing what I was saying?...Couldn't tell you...

But I do know that I reached my breaking point...& everything just came spilling out...I didn't realize how badly I was hurting until tears started rolling down my face...& when I looked over at him, I could see how scared he was...he too, had tears rolling down his face...& then he asked me "Are you done with me?"...my answer was "I don't know"...scariest 3 words I've ever said...

"I don't know"...if I want to put up with the bullshit anymore...if I want to be frustrated like this anymore...if I want to hurt like this anymore...if I want to give up the best thing that's ever happened to me (after my kids)...if I want to give up "the big picture"...if I want to give up the man of my dreams..."I don't know"

It's a crazy place to be...sitting on the fence...& like I said...very uncomfortable...

We continued to talk...our future still up in the air...

In the end, I decided to give it one last chance, with the stipulation that if there are any more fuck ups, I'm gone...& I honestly believe that I've lit a fire under his ass, because things have been great...I mean, it's only been a week, but the changes have been remarkable...

He tends to close himself off when he is dealing with his ex-wife...but they got into it yesterday...& I will never forget what he told me..."I was in a bad mood & I needed to see my baby, to make me feel better...& you did, thank you"...I have been telling him for months that he doesn't need to do this alone...that I'm there to help him...& he's finally got it...HUGE change...

I can't even say...I don't even have words...for how that makes me feel...well maybe this one word...supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...things are looking up...& I know once we're past all of this shit, we're going to have a beautiful life...

& I am so glad that I no longer have a fence up my ass...I was starting to walk funny...

People have this misconception...when I tell them about him...I guess the picture I paint is that he's too good to be true...& yeah, in most ways he is...but he does have his faults...

Most of his faults don't bother me at all...but the ones that do...DAMN! They drive me up the wall...as in I want to pull out my hair...scream at the top of lungs...insane...crazy...

Even though there are times when I feel like I may very well put him out of my misery...even though there are times when I wonder if it's all worth it...I do know that those are just moments where I can claim temporary insanity...because I know he's worth it...I know that our relationship is worth it...I know that the promise of our future is worth it...even through the darkness, I eventually start to see the light.

During these moments of temporary insanity, I do often wonder what my life would be like without him...hah! Two words: NO WAY! He's an integral part of my life...not because he's like a fixture...but because he's my rock...I know I can count on him for so many things...I know that even on my worst day, he can make me laugh, or he can comfort me...& believe me, that's no easy task...

He's such a part of my life that, when he lost his phone...I made him go & get another one ASAP. I need to be able to get in touch with him...even if it's just to say "I love you." Living without him in my life is like trying to live without my right arm...possible to adapt, but wouldn't even want to have to try...

Anyway, it just has me thinking of all of my friends & their significant others...or previous ones...& they will all remain nameless...but I see some of them & you just know that they are right for each other...& some...well...not so right...

It even applies to platonic relationships...some of my friends have toxic friends...& it's not because I don't get along with them...hell, I never met most of them...but because I see how they affect my friends...& it's not in good ways...

What I've learned in life is that...be with the people that bring out the best in you, not the worst...be with the people that want you, not need you...be with the people who make you laugh, not cry...be with the people who add to your life, not take away from it...we all have our faults & imperfections, & to balance that out, we should be with those who are weak where we are strong & vice versa...life, laugh, love...& most of all...fuck the drama...it ain't worth it...

When you get to that inevitable fork in the road...which path do you choose? How do you choose? What drives you to make the choice that you make?

The two paths that were recently before me were "Give Up" or "Keep Going."

Boyfriend & I got into a heated discussion...it wasn't a fight...well maybe not so much as a fight between the two of us, but there were a lot of things said...mostly by me...about how sick I was of her using the kids as a means to get to him like she does...

So we went back & forth...back & forth...back & forth...me being outraged & him being his usual patient self...when all was said & done, it came down to this...do I give up the man of my dreams because his psycho ex-wife is out of control & making our lives miserable in the process OR do I keep going, knowing that this could possibly be the best thing that's ever happened to me (besides my children)...?

When it comes to choices like "what's for dinner?" or "what should I wear?", I'm sure they can be tough choices...but how do you make a decision that could very well affect the rest of your life?

Do you listen to your heart? Your mind? That little voice inside? Friends? Family? Enemies?

Do you go with majority rules? Do you ignore them if they're saying things you don't want to hear?

(This was originally posted on my other blog on 5.21.09)

I've been through a lot in my nearly 3 decades of being on this earth...not as much as some, but certainly more than most...

I got involved with someone at a fairly young age...eventually married him...thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him...boy...was I WRONG! He turned into someone I didn't even know or recognize...I tried dealing with it...for 2 years...friends kept telling me to GET OUT, but I was stubborn & I thought I could save him...what I learned down the road was - you can only help those who help themselves. Giving up doesn't mean that I was weak...it just meant that I was smart enough & strong enough to let go. Believe me, I was one of those naive ones that thought marriage was forever...so the decision to give up wasn't an easy one.

Then my life turned into something you think only happens in movies & books.

[Enter] man of my dreams.