It only gets better...
So yes, he & I had hit a rough patch...I had a moment of temporary insanity...I admit it...I about lost my damn mind...which is weird for me because I'm really not that kind of person...
I just can't even express how my "fuck it" attitude has changed...I mean, I still have it...but not when it comes to him...which is different...I'm normally the type of person to say "fuck it" & move on...but with him, even though I get frustrated as hell, the farthest I get, is to the fence...I climb up & sit on it...which is an uncomfortable place to be...sitting there with a fence up your ass...
Back to my insanity...I lost it...I got everything off my chest, told him how I've been feeling, how he's been making me feel, the frustrations I have with his damn ex-wife...EVERYTHING...I'd been telling him & telling him & telling him, but I don't where the fault lies...is it my fault for not stressing the gravity of the situation?...or is it his, for dismissing what I was saying?...Couldn't tell you...
But I do know that I reached my breaking point...& everything just came spilling out...I didn't realize how badly I was hurting until tears started rolling down my face...& when I looked over at him, I could see how scared he was...he too, had tears rolling down his face...& then he asked me "Are you done with me?"...my answer was "I don't know"...scariest 3 words I've ever said...
"I don't know"...if I want to put up with the bullshit anymore...if I want to be frustrated like this anymore...if I want to hurt like this anymore...if I want to give up the best thing that's ever happened to me (after my kids)...if I want to give up "the big picture"...if I want to give up the man of my dreams..."I don't know"
It's a crazy place to be...sitting on the fence...& like I said...very uncomfortable...
We continued to talk...our future still up in the air...
In the end, I decided to give it one last chance, with the stipulation that if there are any more fuck ups, I'm gone...& I honestly believe that I've lit a fire under his ass, because things have been great...I mean, it's only been a week, but the changes have been remarkable...
He tends to close himself off when he is dealing with his ex-wife...but they got into it yesterday...& I will never forget what he told me..."I was in a bad mood & I needed to see my baby, to make me feel better...& you did, thank you"...I have been telling him for months that he doesn't need to do this alone...that I'm there to help him...& he's finally got it...HUGE change...
I can't even say...I don't even have words...for how that makes me feel...well maybe this one word...supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...things are looking up...& I know once we're past all of this shit, we're going to have a beautiful life...
& I am so glad that I no longer have a fence up my ass...I was starting to walk funny...
I just can't even express how my "fuck it" attitude has changed...I mean, I still have it...but not when it comes to him...which is different...I'm normally the type of person to say "fuck it" & move on...but with him, even though I get frustrated as hell, the farthest I get, is to the fence...I climb up & sit on it...which is an uncomfortable place to be...sitting there with a fence up your ass...
Back to my insanity...I lost it...I got everything off my chest, told him how I've been feeling, how he's been making me feel, the frustrations I have with his damn ex-wife...EVERYTHING...I'd been telling him & telling him & telling him, but I don't where the fault lies...is it my fault for not stressing the gravity of the situation?...or is it his, for dismissing what I was saying?...Couldn't tell you...
But I do know that I reached my breaking point...& everything just came spilling out...I didn't realize how badly I was hurting until tears started rolling down my face...& when I looked over at him, I could see how scared he was...he too, had tears rolling down his face...& then he asked me "Are you done with me?"...my answer was "I don't know"...scariest 3 words I've ever said...
"I don't know"...if I want to put up with the bullshit anymore...if I want to be frustrated like this anymore...if I want to hurt like this anymore...if I want to give up the best thing that's ever happened to me (after my kids)...if I want to give up "the big picture"...if I want to give up the man of my dreams..."I don't know"
It's a crazy place to be...sitting on the fence...& like I said...very uncomfortable...
We continued to talk...our future still up in the air...
In the end, I decided to give it one last chance, with the stipulation that if there are any more fuck ups, I'm gone...& I honestly believe that I've lit a fire under his ass, because things have been great...I mean, it's only been a week, but the changes have been remarkable...
He tends to close himself off when he is dealing with his ex-wife...but they got into it yesterday...& I will never forget what he told me..."I was in a bad mood & I needed to see my baby, to make me feel better...& you did, thank you"...I have been telling him for months that he doesn't need to do this alone...that I'm there to help him...& he's finally got it...HUGE change...
I can't even say...I don't even have words...for how that makes me feel...well maybe this one word...supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...things are looking up...& I know once we're past all of this shit, we're going to have a beautiful life...
& I am so glad that I no longer have a fence up my ass...I was starting to walk funny...
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